Clause/North Pole Applies for Bailout Money
Thursday, December 25, 2008
by Staff Writer B.O. Sanity
Augusta, Maine (AIP) - Sources close to the banking committee have reported that there was an eleventh-hour request submitted just before congress adjourned for the long Christmas holiday, and many on Wall Street will be running for cover when the market re-opens for a mini-session on Friday. Clause/North Pole (Nasdaq CNPL) is requesting up to 75 billion dollars of the federal bail-out money that has been set aside for troubled businesses. The call is expected to send CNPL into a tailspin when trading opens, but Clause's chief financial advisor recommends moderation, saying that there are already corrective measures on the way that will see the stock returning to pre-December levels by mid-February.
Clause cited competition from new corporations such as Kwanza and renovation of older ones such as Ramadan (which cuts into the December market much earlier in the month) and has asked for protective measures. Clause cited the dependence of American corporations on their product delivery framework, though detractors have noted that CNPL now delivers up to 70% non-American manufactured goods, most notably from China and Indonesia. Rapid downsizing in native workforce has been the trend since the eighties, when CNPL, then the pre-merger North Pole Industries, a private corporation, offered early retirement to any assembly line manufacturers who were 350 years old or older.
Many current manufacturers who use CNPL as a delivery framework are dissatisfied with several strategies that they say are now "outdated," and feel that production and distribution are suffering from a "good/bad" criterion that hampers overall production. Sony and Nintendo have threatened to withdraw from the CNPL delivery system altogether when the current contract expires in 2011 unless CNPL can redefine "good and bad." Walmart has also entered talks, calling on CNPL to be more environment friendly, and calculate green behavior into the "good" mode.
Clause, CEO of the corporation, issued a statement requesting that they be allowed a time of reorganization. Though global warming and ice melting has not yet affected headquarters, Clause requested up to two billion for contingency expenses in the possibility of a need for relocation and recovery of resources. Heavily criticized as not even being an American corporation due to the out of country location, Clause noted that applicable taxes are assessed from the corporations that contract his delivery service, and assured potential investors that, in the unlikely event of a relocation, CNPL would favor US Territory and would negotiate with American labor organizations.
Rumor has it that Target, Inc, attempted a hostile buy-out of 51% of CNPL's stock last July during Clause's executive retreat at Aruba, but the takeover bid was curtailed when Wachovia refused to advance a line of credit to Target for the 350 million dollar shortfall that would be needed for full purchase. Claus's legal team has since privatized 51% of CNPL's outstanding stock, a move which temporarily saw shares rise by as much as fourteen percent in early August, but which has seen twice the decline since.
Clause reported early this morning, returning from the annual delivery cycle, that the outlook actually is good for a short term gain in the first quarter, but there is still talk on Wall Street of cutbacks, and CNPL's employees, who uniquely receive their seasonal bonuses in late January instead of early December, are grumbling about the delayed bonuses which allegedly will not be given until the February numbers are out this year, and are said to be stock shares in the company instead of traditional cash gifts.
There has also been a rumbling over a potential split of the company, and rumors of marital turbulence between Clause and his wife are being downplayed. Ms. Clause owns 20 percent of CNPL's public shares, and it is common knowledge that she has been in extended discussions with Martha Stewart over a possible merger, which, of course, would offset Walmart business with the less viable Kmart name.
CNPL's request for funds will not go without a price. House Banking Committee Chairman Rep Barney Frank (D-NY), said that there would be some governmental control of the North Pole distribution network, and there would need to be concessions by Clause and company regarding procedures. Frank has expressed concern about traditional gay views and possible conflicts with the "good/bad" list.
Critics have said that one reason for artificial perceived growth in CNPL is the possibility of reduced delivery expenses due to an increase in "bad" children in the equation, and many corporations, such as Disney, Sears, and Time-Warner have expressed concern about loss of product, and want to see representatives from their own corporations on the conduct evaluatory board that determines who is good and bad (http://www.naughtyornice.np/). Frank has recommended a congressional committee be added as well, and says that Clause cannot expect any help unless he is willing to make this concession.
CNPL closed Wednesday at 324.23, down 17.21, and down from their all-time high in 1998 of 768.23.
Showing posts with label Holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Holidays. Show all posts
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Meaningless with Zeroes on It
Well, tomorrow is the real Columbus Day. I'm looking forward to all the parades, the celebrations, and they other festivities -- that won't happen. No one will even think about it being Columbus day because it was "moved" to last Monday. I remember when I first heard of Columbus day in elementary school; for some reason my parents had forgotten to tell me about this holiday.
My first impressions of C-day were of someone who took the risk of possibly sailing off the edge of a flat world, against the advice and counsel of all of Europe and Asia. I saw him planting a flag -- possibly an American flag -- somewhere on the coast of, probably, Florida. All of us elementary kids looked forward to that special day in 1992 when we would celebrate 500 years of America. Somehow, I tied Columbus up with the Pilgrims and Thanksgiving.
What a wake-up call we've had. First of all, the 1992 celebrations never happened. By the time the 500th rolled around, Christopher Columbus was a white European racist who ruined world history. He somehow opened the door to the evil Europeans who came in and destroyed the diverse but peaceful native American culture, with its tranquil nature/religion, tolerance, and environmental awareness. By 1992 he was one of the top ten hated people in America.
--And the poor guy never even made it here! While some people say he may have gotten all the way to Central America, he probably never got beyond some Caribbean islands.
Of course, the whole civilized world knew the planet was round. They just thought it was a little smaller. Nations were vying with each other to get to the Orient first; the Portuguese had already taken the around-the-horn-of-Africa route, so they had to look elsewhere. If Columbus had not come; America still would have been "discovered." Everyone knew it was there.
The overt hatred of "all things Columbus," however, didn't overrule the holiday celebration. We still celebrate the day. Why? Because Columbus champions that great American value, the Long Weekend! For the rest of history, we will teach our children that a racist white man, at the bidding of a racist white government, was sent to a pure land to defile and destroy a culture of innocents, and he got there on a Monday -- every year!
Our children will not question why we celebrate such an evil exploit. All they know is that the bank is closed, you can't mail letters, and sometimes you even miss school because of whatever this man did.
If there is any better example of modern post-American nihilism, I can't think of it. We celebrate a man that our culture hates by taking off a day from work, and we usually don't even "celebrate" the right day, because what we're really celebrating is a decline in productivity and responsibility. When the "no-work/long-weekend" crowd moved the day to Monday in the "Stupid 70's," they moved a lot more. Even July 4th was under consideration (that would have been even funnier: "This bank will be closed July 7th for July 4th"), and many otherwise "meaningless" holidays were kidnapped and moved to Monday.
I celebrate the veterans who explained that November 11 was an actual historical date, and demanded that November 11 be celebrated -- surprise -- on November 11. At least one group had the backbone necessary to stand up to this 70's silliness. Of course, poor Columbus was not the only victim. We managed to bash two more White males. By combining Lincoln's birthday and Washington's birthday, we now have "Presidents' Day," another Monday off. The sad irony is that the guidelines for taking this Monday is that it is impossible for "Presidents' Day" to fall on either of these two men's birthdays.
When a new generation asks the one just past what the meaning of life is all about, we will have less satisfying info to give them than any other American generation before us. Throw Monday "holidays" for insignificant events into the pile with the Electoral College, the two-minute warning in football, and Sundays off, as things that no one remembered what they were for. We do so many things now that are meaningless. That's why, when something really does account for something, we need to stand up for it. The best thing we can leave for the next generation is meaning.
My first impressions of C-day were of someone who took the risk of possibly sailing off the edge of a flat world, against the advice and counsel of all of Europe and Asia. I saw him planting a flag -- possibly an American flag -- somewhere on the coast of, probably, Florida. All of us elementary kids looked forward to that special day in 1992 when we would celebrate 500 years of America. Somehow, I tied Columbus up with the Pilgrims and Thanksgiving.
What a wake-up call we've had. First of all, the 1992 celebrations never happened. By the time the 500th rolled around, Christopher Columbus was a white European racist who ruined world history. He somehow opened the door to the evil Europeans who came in and destroyed the diverse but peaceful native American culture, with its tranquil nature/religion, tolerance, and environmental awareness. By 1992 he was one of the top ten hated people in America.
--And the poor guy never even made it here! While some people say he may have gotten all the way to Central America, he probably never got beyond some Caribbean islands.
Of course, the whole civilized world knew the planet was round. They just thought it was a little smaller. Nations were vying with each other to get to the Orient first; the Portuguese had already taken the around-the-horn-of-Africa route, so they had to look elsewhere. If Columbus had not come; America still would have been "discovered." Everyone knew it was there.
The overt hatred of "all things Columbus," however, didn't overrule the holiday celebration. We still celebrate the day. Why? Because Columbus champions that great American value, the Long Weekend! For the rest of history, we will teach our children that a racist white man, at the bidding of a racist white government, was sent to a pure land to defile and destroy a culture of innocents, and he got there on a Monday -- every year!
Our children will not question why we celebrate such an evil exploit. All they know is that the bank is closed, you can't mail letters, and sometimes you even miss school because of whatever this man did.
If there is any better example of modern post-American nihilism, I can't think of it. We celebrate a man that our culture hates by taking off a day from work, and we usually don't even "celebrate" the right day, because what we're really celebrating is a decline in productivity and responsibility. When the "no-work/long-weekend" crowd moved the day to Monday in the "Stupid 70's," they moved a lot more. Even July 4th was under consideration (that would have been even funnier: "This bank will be closed July 7th for July 4th"), and many otherwise "meaningless" holidays were kidnapped and moved to Monday.
I celebrate the veterans who explained that November 11 was an actual historical date, and demanded that November 11 be celebrated -- surprise -- on November 11. At least one group had the backbone necessary to stand up to this 70's silliness. Of course, poor Columbus was not the only victim. We managed to bash two more White males. By combining Lincoln's birthday and Washington's birthday, we now have "Presidents' Day," another Monday off. The sad irony is that the guidelines for taking this Monday is that it is impossible for "Presidents' Day" to fall on either of these two men's birthdays.
When a new generation asks the one just past what the meaning of life is all about, we will have less satisfying info to give them than any other American generation before us. Throw Monday "holidays" for insignificant events into the pile with the Electoral College, the two-minute warning in football, and Sundays off, as things that no one remembered what they were for. We do so many things now that are meaningless. That's why, when something really does account for something, we need to stand up for it. The best thing we can leave for the next generation is meaning.
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