A Sane Alternative to the Bloodbath

Something has to be done about murder in this country: it is bloody, unsanitary, and hurting millions of innocent people. Often it is done with the crudest of materials, and at the most unexpected and inconvenient of times. I feel that this is something that should fall into the capable hands of our own government. Allow me to modestly propose some ways to deal with the murder situation in the United States. First, some things should be clear to everyone:

• Murder is going to happen. No laws can stop it. We must live with the fact that murders will happen.
• Some cultures and codes in our multicultural society do not accept the commonly-held Judeo-Christian concept of "thou shalt not kill," and it is certainly not the government's venue to force that belief on everyone.
• The best thing our government can do for us is alleviate the misery and human suffering that comes from these acts of desperation.

I propose that murder be legalized in the United States, so it can be carefully controlled. Specifically, we should fund the building of Murder Clinics in every significant city in the United States. I think these clinics are the answer because they can be funded, staffed, and controlled by capable professionals. In the peaceful environment of a sanitary, private facility, the stigma of murder can be removed forever from America's list of problems. What advantages would Murder Clinics provide? Here are only a few:

• It would immediately stop the occurrence of "back alley" murders. All murders come through a dispute, a difference in values. What better than to approach a calm professional with our conflicts, and have them resolved by capable professionals. Instead of rusty daggers or cheap pistols, baseball bats and crowbars, we would have the painless, ethical euthanasia that only a government-sanctioned medical professional could provide.
• It would curb the illegal trafficking of murder. Granted, some "hit men" have done the job cleanly, but how can we be sure? There is no agency that regulates them. They are often hard to contact, and there is no consistent price structuring, and many citizens are forced to "free-lance" and do the killing themselves. That is the beginning of the terror that amateur murders always bring.
• It would take some burden off of law enforcement. How many man-hours are wasted every day investingating murders, and then classifying them: 1st or 3rd degree? Manslaughter or negligent homicide? The caseload in the courts is horrendous and unequally enforced.
• It would take murder off the streets, making our alleys and neighborhoods safer. Those sparkling white Murder Clinics would protect us from the terror of the asphalt jungle.
• Bodies of murder recipients could be harvested for organ transplants, medical research, and stem cells. Their blood could be harvested, taking a load off blood banks and ineffective blood drives. Perhaps even illnesses like ALS and Parkinson's disease could be treated more efficiently.

An Action Plan for Murder Clinics

These clinics could be adjunct to existing clinics, utilizing the expertise of medical professionals. Those needing to commit murder would contact one of these clinics with the complaint. After approving the complaint, the clinic itself would contact the murder recipient and give him/her a timetable leading up to the appointment. This would give the recipient ample time to make peace with his/her deity, get insurance records and financial affairs in order, and say good-bye to family and friends. On the appointed date, the recipient would enter the clinic for an appointment, and be treated with the utmost respect, regard, and gentleness possible.

Of course, not all people could afford this clinic, and in order not to favor the rich, there would need to be a federal funding structure that enabled people of all socio-economic classes equal access to contracting legal, safe murders. This funding could be received through a portion of the Medicaid allotments, but also, many expenses could be alleviated with the cash generated by the harvesting of murder recipients.

I realize that some fanatics are going to thump their Bibles at me about this, but you can't legislate morality. Of course, murder is an extreme choice, and should only be a last resort. Ideally, a people and a culture would want to avoid it at all costs, or at least investigate creative alternatives. I, personally, am against murder, but I think that it is wrong to violate an individual's right to choose. The fourth amendment guarantees that right. My situation makes everyone happy. Jobs are created, resources are harvested, and the streets are made safer: no bloody daggers or broken bottles. Murder clinics would take murder out of the hands of amateurs and put it where it belongs: with capable, educated, board-approved, government-sanctioned professionals. Some would argue that many murder recipients would have their rights violated, but we must only realize the gruesome alternative -- to be gunned down or beaten to death in a dark, filthy alley. I'm sure most would opt for a quick, painless, loving termination, administered by a calm, trained medical professional.

Write your congressman, or join my organization: Citizens for Terror-Free Termination. Act before it's too late.